I’m sitting here in an indoor playground watching my two year old run around while I work.
I should be working, not writing this. But this has been one of things on my heart to write about now for more than a couple months.
You want to know what the hardest part about being a parent is? Its time management.
The trouble with owning your own business and staying at home with your kids is the guilt. Its different than dropping off your kids to a day home or a daycare, because every single day when my sweet little boy asks me to play ball, I have to say “no, mommy is working”. I say this about 40 times a day.
I tell him no, I can’t, work is more important than you right now.
The parents who are at work, get to be present while they are there and then when they are home, they get to present when they’re home. When they’re at the office, they aren’t constantly looking down into the eyes of their precious child and saying “no” to playing with them.
This is a psychological warfare for me.
“Things to do, work to be done.”
If I have editing to do or emails to reply to, I feel guilty when I’m not doing them. And when I’m working, I’m feeling guilty for not spending time with my little. (Oh this precious time, it will be gone so fast!) And what is the trade off? I’m not entirely sure that its worth *any* trade, at this point.
And now I’m crying because I’m worried that I use places like this as a way “out” so I can work and try to not feel as guilty, as if he is some burden that gets in the way of my work and this makes it easier to justify my work. UGH. I can’t even begin to describe my disgust at this.
This boy of mine, he is my light. He is my joy. And each and every day, I affirm to him that “work is more important, right now, sweetie”.
I want my boy to proud of me and to be inspired to chase after his dreams the way I have. So in that way, I feel relief. And I know that I’m also simultaneously creating a healthy independence in him. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not a monster. But I just need to get it off my chest and say it out loud that I feel like I’m not being the best version of myself that I can be for him, right now. Not like this.
I refuse to wake up one day and think back to these days and have regret over the time I lost with him.
The days are long, but the years are short. In a blink of an eye, I will be in the place where a parent “misses” the cuddles with their babe. And more than anything, I need him to know that he matters more. I need to know in my spirit that he never had a single doubt about that. And right now, I’m not so sure that he does.
He asks me less and less to play with him, because he’s getting used to the answer. And that right there is how a heart breaks.
You want to know what the worst part of all of this is? I love what I do SO much that I seriously don’t know what to do about all of this. My work fulfills a part of my soul that I can’t begin to describe. But yet, my responsibility is to him and my heart.
I’m not entirely sure what the point of this blog is, except to maybe say to the others walking on this same path that I’m totally with you and my heart breaks with yours. Its important to know what you’re giving up to do what you do. It’s important to have peace about it. And right now I don’t have peace. Its the worst its ever been for me. So I’m going to keep on looking for it, and keep trying to find that mystical unicorn called “balance”. I’ll let you know if I ever find it.